I'm gonna Roundhouse Kick you, by the way.

Never, ever, ever say out loud what I just wrote in the "title" of this post to an enemy you are about to Roundhouse kick.

Hi, there. I'm bbClap, famed advice-giver to the Stars*.

I wanted to speak to you today on the subject of Roundhouse Kicks, and, inadvertently, my cousin, Diego. My cousin Diego was roundhouse kicked by me yesterday (that's how I got from A to B on that whole "inadvertently" claim).





Diego is a dickhead. In short, he is my older cousin and I used to respect him because I am weak and, by default, I respect people who just so happen to have been born before me. Diego, in a nutshell, held two fingers horizontally (his right pointer finger coupled with his right middle finger) up to my nose so as to give me, I thought, a whiff of the sex he had had the night before. Then I remembered that he and I and a bunch of his friends went to see a movie the night before, not to mention that not one of us are female, or "vagina-havers" as my father used to call them.

Anyway, back to his fingers... the smell was sharp and violent much in the same that consensual sex isn't. I said to him:

"Ah! What is that?"

"I have no idea. Just woke up and it smelled like that."

"What smelled like that, your fingers?"

"No, my balls."

Suddenly, I had a flashback to the night before. He had convinced me to see The Knowing because it apparently had a cool plane crash scene in it, so naturally it was a solid argument to me. As you can imagine, it was a terrible movie. I spent nearly $20 with movie ticket and a medium diet coke. That anger, when mixed with the horrible smell he put into my nasal cavity, produced a beautiful roundhouse kick.

I'd do it again. I will do it again. Do you know how to Roundhouse Kick, Mom and Dad? It's as easy as 1-2-3, etc, 7.

yours,
bbC

*1. Not Hollywood Stars, but more like I just look up at the sky at night and give advice to the stars. You know, stuff like "Hey, y'all stars should totally just disappear one night simultaneously and not return for a few days just to fuck with people a lil bit".